- Oh, it would be so predictable and boring of me, but maybe you are right? Maybe a woman may only fulfill her-self by creating a family? Maybe I do need a man? But only a man, – pause, – though, it is most likely that after some time a natural desire to give a birth will kick in. It would be so greedy to chain a person, to posses and lust one only for yourself. I often find my-self contemplating the quote from A Dangerous Method* that says, that monogamy – is a tense concept. For a neurasthenia patient. I’ve always been jealous of my man; I would guard him as a wild animal. Only a thought that he may be with someone else, would give me stomach cramps. And each time the feeling would get so strong I could not say a word. It goes without saying that all my relationships ended in silence. And the fact that sadness me most, is that all those women were a part of my imagination. To obsess the other is the same as to create a copy of your-self, would you agree? In order to create the perfect self, we must take the best of that person and let him go. I know, you will tell me that perfection is impossible, I know, you disagree. And probably you are right. Probably. Because you like to dominate. And it is natural. Feminists would eat me alive for such a statement. It does not even feel right to say it, but it is a nature of a man, as well as to compete. Although, in this age of ours women are those who compete. It does not suit their character and it looks like they are wearing mothers shoes, or a few sizes too big dress, they do not feel comfortable and everyone can see this.
- I can no longer see the direction of your thoughts, – he puts down the cigarette, crosses his legs and sits back in his chair.
- Monogamy may only feel natural to females. May, not must. Simply, the conditions to experiment are less favorable. A human being is controlled by fundamental instincts.
- Everything else is a pose.
- Don’t you have anything to add?
- By agreeing I would conflict my own beliefs. Nevertheless, it would be a relief.
- A relief is an ideological concept. I have yet another theory saying that we enjoy living in prisons of our own thoughts. We reach the psychological satisfaction by living in agony.
- This manifestation of masochism is undeniably a part of hidden desire to be humiliated, especially in the relationships based on sexual contact.
- Such relations are out of norm.
- But this is the place where we wanna be, that’s where the freedom lies. Talking about freedom, I believe that the freedom we have is the most limited notion of all.
- Now you’re just being overdramatic.
And really, she is dramatizing. All this time she was talking only to say that she wants to be with me and is ready to put up with my unfaithful behavior. In the end, she did not say this. She expected that I will read all of this between the lines. I did. But only because I know her well. Even though, she gets annoyed when I tell her this. She says that it is impossible to get to know a person. According to her: the lifetime is not enough for a person to get to know oneself. Once she declared that reincarnation is a phenomenon allowing one to grasp the essence of one-self. That time when she said this, we were having a diner and I chocked on an asparagus.
But this accident did not interrupt her speech, she stood up from the chair (still philosophizing), slowly walked towards me and gave me a few hard knocks on a back to stop me from coughing, at the same time explaining that even though we do not have an actual memory of our previous life the experience hides within us, because: how else would you explain the differences amongst people and their maturity despite their age? The environment? – I ask her grasping a breath. Maybe… – she replied in disagreement and got back to her plate.
And now she sits in front with her eyes down, playing with her necklace, probably contemplating something ingenious.
- I am dyeing for a pint, – she declares.
- This is without no doubt the wisest decision you made so far, – I tease her slightly, she smiles at me, most likely she did not even hear what I’ve just said.
- You know what strikes me the most? That men are able to live without a woman for years. They masturbate and are happy. But once they get one, they want more, – putting her hands into coat pockets she shares her thoughts.
In the pub, she will look straight into my eyes and explain:
- Probably, you are the only man I really want, but cannot find ways to get. And it hurts unbearably. I feel bitter being with another man and it irritates me to know that it’s you who forces me to behave like this. And then, I calm my-self thinking, that these experiments are a form of search that I still haven’t found what I am looking for. But each time I come back home – you are there, and it feels like I’ve been unfaithful.