Just Like Children

  • How is the research of patterns going? – she asks.

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned her that from now on I will dedicate more time to observe actions and where do they lead me to. Later, – I said, – I will capture the repetitive template and become able to modify the counteractions.

  • I wish I haven‘t started this, – I admit, – now I feel like I‘m very far away from the leading path. Maybe it‘s time to change the surroundings? I don‘t understand, how can everything be right, but feel so wrong?
  • Maybe it‘s your nature? And what do you mean by the change of the surroundings, yet another emigration?

Yet another emigration? Emigrate, imigrate, migrate, re-emigrate, re-immigrate? If European Union is trying to be like United States – the indivisible one, then is it really correct to state that traveling Europe is emigration? And what is the period of time defined by permanent living? What if you moved, lived in a country for some time and then changed your mind? Does this mean that you will come back to your country like re-emigrant? How will she take you back? How will your relationship feel like? Some time passed, you will probably feel alienated. Will everything feel the same ever again? Or will you always be the one who betrayed and ran away (as soon as opportunity came along)?

  • How are you? – I change the subject. Emigration should fall under the category of uncomfortable topics amongst religion, politics and sex.
  • Yesterday I met couple of friends for the usual one beer. So guess what? I returned home seven o’clock in the morning.
  • And I fall asleep with slippers with the light on after three bottles of Blue Moon. I woke up around three, already rested, freshened up, replied to some work e-mails and went back to bed.
  • That’s just weak, – she notes, – How is Julio?
  • Julio is organic and this makes me do things I never did with anyone else, – I exaggerate as always, – However the idyll is shadowed by the feeling that he has another woman. Maybe this is why everything looks so confusing lately? Maybe this is why I don’t feel like my-self? The fact that he has a few women would be all cool, then this would be an even game. But if there is the one, who he keeps coming back to, that wouldn’t feel right. This would equal the sleeping around with a married man. As if not only you hurt another person but also desecrate the union of two people. Moreover, I am still head over heels with Rose. He is a man from my childhood fantasies about beach house on the shore of Baltic sea, two toddlers, a dog and reshly squeezed orange juice. This is why the adventure with Julio feels like I’m being unfaithful. But this is next level shit and I’m not asking you to sympathise. Somehow I think that Rose and my-self still need some time to figure out some things. It also seems that Rose will not go anywhere and always stay as he is, and I have to use this time to mature a little bit more. The only thing, I am afraid of that in this process development I will get lost and won’t find the way back to him.
  • Yes, I know the feeling of other women presence. Nowadays they all have a plan B. I often catch my-self chatting with a guy in a club, while my eyes unconsciously slip to search for the wedding ring mark on his finger. Really, we’re not the sad ones in this story, – she calms me down.
  • I am waiting for the day the subject of relationships going to be drained out. That day I will close my laptop, smoke a cigarette and officially delare the end of my career as a writer, – I go silent, but there is still a thousand and one thought spinning in my head, – For Christ sake, monogamy is not even a natural state for human kind! Everything should be more simple (at least in my head): you shuffle food when you are hungry, you sleep when you are tired and fuck when you feel the urge.
  • And now it’s different? – she sounds puzzled, as if the being based on instincts would be a novelty only for me.
  • Now, now I eat when I have a breaj, sleap when I have time and fuck on weekends, sometimes on Thursadys, but only if Julio and my-self feel spontaneous, – I lit a roll-up of tobacco, – Is it me, or a couple of weeks of work from nine to five is way enough to start feeling that your life is one never ending déjà vu?
  • Depends on the type of work/…
  • /…and from the point of view, – I add quietly.
  • Everyone works/…
  • /… till they earn their rest and he realise that they have no vigour to relax, – I quote my own father, who yet again tried to comfort me, but deep down both of us were left with uneasy feeling, – My philosophy is that enlightened are people who do not get involved in social peripheries. Those who find happiness in cognition…
  • Just like children?
  • Just like them…


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